Who Am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love and watch me rise again
Who Am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me
Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You're
And You told me who I am..... I am Yours
This song echoes through my soul... I pray that one day.. my sole motivation for doing anything in life would be for His glory...
Was talking with my bro today about recent events.... friendships and studies... all these while waiting for my parents to return at the airport....
Though I talked with him and told him alot of stuff..... he reciprocated with many unconstructive comments...
haiz...
Its during these trying times when I want to return to the AJ community... To return to a group of guys who actually understand what I'm going through and how I'm feeling... People who won't reject me for my past...
A leopard never change his spots.... That was the message that he kept sending to me... though he never said out the actual phrase itself..
So am I an AJ for life?.... I need somebody whom I can relate to badly now... I've lost almost all trust in straight guys...
and I've excommunicated myself from the AJ society...
I feel like I'm dead now... Trapped between Heaven and Hell... Nowhere to go.... because nobody wants me...
I feel so unwanted...
Ever since the recent incident, I've become so self conscious about my actions that I resort to doing stuff that I feel uncomfortable doing... Should I conform to the world in showing that I act like a straight guy?
It is going to be my own undoing...
One thing that my brother told me that struck a chord in me very strongly was :
"You never know. Maybe God wants to show that the servent who lives the type of life that is pleasing to Him would be blessed and on the other hand, the servent that cant live up to His expectation will be downcasted and in some ways cursed.
It is not how much effort you put in, as everything is in God's hands... It is His will and what He choose to glorify Himself."
If that is so... I am serving a rather cruel god...
Why do I try so hard to please Him then... knowing that I wil never have the abilities to glorify Him?...
Thus... since I am unable to glorify Him... I guess... He must be using me as an example to show others that "this is the type of life that I dont want you to follow"....
I got so pissed off after talking for awhile to my brother that I stormed off to sit by myself...
Straight guys can NEVER. I mean NEVER comprehend what homosexuals go through....
Especially when they are trying hard to change...
Not a single word of encouragement from anybody close...
Not a single word of praise from anybody close...
Not a single word of acknowledgement from anybody close...
I know that it seems shallow if I base it on these 3 factors... but or course its a whole lot more...
I jus want to know that people know the struggle that I go through... that it is not easy changing...
That I'm trying so hard now... and yet people keep pushing me down...
There are so few people that I can talk to or dare talk to openly now....
Every night.. I will sit on my bed and look at the night sky...
And wonder... if somewhere out there.... God actually is smiling at me and encouraging me to go on with this decision that I made in life...
Cos... nobody is...........
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